The Story of My Skin
by iamnotaxel
Summary: 'Cas' real wings are gone forever, something Dean will always feel guilty over, and Cas never wants to forget that at one time, he had them.' Post 5.22 AU


The Story of my Skin. 

Disclaimer: Supernatural and all it's characters are not mine and never will be mine, no matter how much I wish it.

A/N: This takes place in an AU from the end of S5. I'm not a big fan of S6 except for a few stand out eps, particularly the episode from Cas' POV, it would've been nice if there were more of that quality.

##

Cas has been human for almost three months now.

Dean likes it.

So does Sam. Sam hovered over him like a nervous new mother at first, even though Cas is like a million years older than him, showing Cas how to tie shoelaces and shave because he'd never had to do these things before. Cas had politely pointed out that he had been watching humanity for thousands of years, but that if he needed help he would ask Sam for it and Sam had smiled sheepishly and nodded.

Accurate shooting, on the other hand, cannot be learned simply by watching. Dean and Sam have been teaching him with cans and bottles and sloppily drawn targets and he's doing really well - Cas learns fast. Cas already has the hand-to-hand thing down pat and he's y'know… Pretty good at exorcisms, but it's not really about teaching him how to be a hunter.

It's about showing him how to be a human.

Dean watches a hundred movies with him and explains all the references that Cas doesn't understand, they listen to music, even stuff Dean doesn't like but thinks that Cas might and Sam teaches him how to use the internet and from that Cas learns so much more about pop culture – though Sam has to warn him about the perils of trusting Wikipedia.

Dean keeps telling Cas not to look at himself and Sam as good examples of human beings, but Cas still observes the both of them carefully all the same, just like he always has.

Of course, some things don't change Cas still stands more stiffly than any other human being ever and he still retains his perfect grammar and his awkward but graceful way of moving because that's just part of who Cas is and Dean wouldn't change that for anything.

He wouldn't have changed him in the first place.

It isn't all shooting and movies and Led Zeppelin of course, Cas hates a _lot_ of things about being human. He complains that everything hurts; his head aches and his eyes feel sore after staring at a computer screen for too long, he gets blisters from his new boots and the guns are loud make his ears ache and hunting generally involves being thrown around by various ghosts and demons and Cas really doesn't like that.

He hates 'maintaining' his body too, forever complaining about constantly being hungry or tired or needing to use the bathroom or to wash. After about a month, or maybe a little longer, it certainly felt more like a year of complaints, he started to get into the swing of things and now the complaints come less often and he has discovered that there are a lot of upsides to being human as well.

Cas' favourite food so far is cheese fries, but he likes strawberry ice cream a lot too. His favourite movies are the _Back to the Future_ trilogy, still fond of time travel and all the impossible paradoxes that go along with it. He loves all kinds of music, though he is particularly taken with Johnny Cash and the Blues in general, he says it speaks to him now that he is a human. These days it's just as likely for Muddy Waters to be growling out of the Impala's speakers as Led Zeppelin.

Cas is pretty fond of sex too and Dean isn't going to argue with that.

"Will this hurt, Dean?" Cas asks as they walk into a tattoo parlour in Joplin, Missouri.

Cas has been human for almost three months and he needs an anti-possession tattoo. Cas has no idea if his being a former angel will prevent him being possessed, but Dean had decided Cas was better safe than sorry.

"It might hurt a little." Dean concedes. He doesn't like lying to Cas, mostly because Cas always knows when he is and he always looks so disappointed, even if all Dean's lying about is eating Cas' fries while he's in the bathroom – maybe it's that he always looks _especially_ disappointed when Dean lies about that? "Probably hurt a lot less than when that ghoul tried to rip your heart out last week."

"Oh. Good." Cas says sarcastically. "I'm not sure that I should be marring Jimmy's body." He touches his chest.

"It's not Jimmy's body anymore, it's yours." Dean says. At least that's what Cas has told him and he really hopes it's true, because he's not sure that Jimmy, who was so devoted to his wife and daughter, would appreciate what he and Cas have been doing with it on a nightly basis.

"I know. Still, I'm still not sure I should ruin the work of God." Cas sighs. "Can't I just wear the charm?"

"No Cas." Dean says definitively. "What if you drop it? Or it gets ripped off? You need something permanent." He walks up to the counter while Cas wanders off to look over the tattoo designs that cover the walls of the parlour, he still looks pouty and unhappy.

Human Cas likes a good sulk every once in a while.

"Hi." The young guy behind the counter has full sleeves of colourful tattoos and large gauges stretching both his earlobes. "What can I do you for?"

"My friend over here wants to get a tattoo." Dean has a copy of the tattoo he and Sam have on a folded piece of paper in his pocket. Sam had suggested that he just show the tattooist his own anti-possession design, but that'd feel a just little too gay, even for Dean who is taking it up the ass on a regular basis these days. "Cas. C'mere."

Cas frowns but walks over.

"Are you sure? He doesn't look too happy about it, man." The guy says, glancing between them.

"I need it." Cas replies with a pout and Dean reaches into his jacket pocket and hands over the picture of the design.

"Looks pretty simple." The guy cocks his head at the picture.

"It has to be exact." Dean looms over the counter and makes sure that the guy understands this.

"Sure. No problem, man." The guy shifts away and calls out to the back room that Dean guesses is where the actual tattooing takes place. "Maggie! Customers!"

From behind the flimsy separating wall comes a tall woman with dyed purple hair, she's wearing tight fitting jeans and a small t-shirt. Every inch of her visible skin, barring her face, is covered with bright tattoos. She must be in her late twenties, but looks younger, she has at least six earrings in each ear and a nose ring and a warm smile that Dean likes.

Cas must too because he takes a step towards her.

"I need a tattoo." He says bluntly, suddenly accepting of the idea.

He must have seen something he _really_ likes in this girl.

"Then you're in the right place." She grins. "I'm Maggie, resident tattoo artist. Do you have a design in mind?"

"My name is Cas." Cas says and the guy from behind the counter hands the anti-possession design to her.

"Looks simple, shouldn't take long." She says, looking over the design. "Come through Cas, your… Friend can come too." She smiles knowingly at Dean.

Dean doesn't even care and follows Cas and Maggie through to the back room.

Once the placement of the tattoo has been decided, the same place Dean and Sam have theirs, Dean sits in the corner of the booth and watches Maggie lean over Cas to shave and disinfect the part of his chest where the design will go. She presses a transfer of the design to Cas' skin and when she lifts up the paper a copy of it stays in place for Maggie to trace with permanent ink.

"Just relax and remember to breathe." Maggie says when Cas flinches at the buzzing of the needle.

But when it touches his skin, he seems only mildly perturbed.

"It doesn't hurt like I thought it would." Cas says.

Maggie laughs softly. "A tough guy, huh?"

Dean grins. She has no idea.

She works in silence for another few minutes and Dean watches Cas carefully for signs of pain, but he seems perfectly content, relaxed even.

Only Cas would hardly notice a needle repeatedly jabbing into his skin, but still complain about needing to pee so often.

Sam cried like a girl when he got his tattoo and Dean will never tell anyone otherwise.

"What are your tattoos for?" Cas asks, his blue eyes raking over Maggie's colourful skin.

"My tattoos tell my story." Maggie replies. "They're so I never forget where I came from and how it made me who I am and it shows where I can go and all the possibilities that are open to me." She smiles at Cas and Cas looks thoughtful.

Dean looks at her a little more closely too.

"Your life is displayed on your skin?" Cas looks down at the arms that are tattooing him.

"Yeah. My parents died when I was seven." She gestures to her upper left arm and Dean leans to the left to see what Cas is seeing. There is indeed a design of a young girl in a red duffle coat looking down at a tombstone, the backdrop of which is a psychedelic mish-mash of colours and patterns, the confusion and grief and anger of a child. "My Uncle took me in, but he was kind of an asshole." A little further down her arm the young girl in the red coat is cowering beneath a lurid green monster, its jaws dripping with drool, teeth sharp and deadly, it's also wearing a blue tie and the backdrop of colours darken. "But, I had good friends." She smiles and turns her arm over, incorporated into the psychedelic design is list of names. "My Uncle's name is on there too, because without him I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be so strong, so determined."

"That is admirable." Cas says.

Maggie shrugs though she smiles as well, clearly taken with Cas' unusual brand of charm and Cas asks about the tattoos that take up her right arm.

Dean smiles, Cas is always so interested in everyone he meets. He wants to know about their lives, about who they are. He's not so good at lying when it comes to questioning people during hunts, but he's always so earnest that he tends to get the information out of them anyway.

Maggie has told Cas the stories of her right arm and her upper back and when she finishes his anti-possession tattoo she shows him her newest tattoo, one on her calf to commemorate the recent tornado that ripped through the city.

Cas looks at it thoughtfully.

Maggie smiles and cleans Cas up, explaining the aftercare as she does so. She hands him a piece of paper that tells him what she has just explained about keeping it clean and using a specific kind of ointment three times a day.

Dean pays and leaves Maggie a hefty tip for being so nice.

"See ya, Cas." Maggie smiles.

"Goodbye Maggie." Cas says as they leave the parlour.

Cas is quiet on the drive back to the motel and Dean knows what he's thinking about. It's what Cas is always thinking about when he falls quiet.

Cas is steadily losing his memories. He has literally thousands upon thousands of years of memories and his now human brain cannot cope. He is losing his oldest memories and soon he will have lost a lot more. He won't ever completely forget Heaven and his brothers, but it won't be the same, unfocussed, unclear, faded, mere memories of memories.

Cas has told Dean that this is by far the worst thing about becoming human and Dean knows it must be, because Cas never complains about it.

Though he always insists he wouldn't change it and he can't regret it because he loves Dean, Dean doesn't think that he is worthy of such devotion.

"You OK, Cas?" Dean asks, reaching across to squeeze Cas' knee.

Dean wants to comfort Cas when he goes quiet, say or do something that will make him feel better, but he knows it's impossible. Quiet is something Dean understands, he's been quiet once before himself. Quiet means pain. Pain so great that there are no words for it and nothing anyone says will make it better.

"I think so." Cas says. "Maggie has given me a lot to think about."

"She has?" Dean frowns. As far as he could tell Maggie just told Cas about herself. "OK then." He shrugs. Maybe Cas heard something Dean didn't as he often does.

Cas smiles, placing his hand over Dean's.

#

For the next week Cas takes careful care of his anti-possession tattoo and late at night, after they have collapsed into bed after a hunt, or a bout of enthusiastic sex, Cas stays awake and pulls out a sketch pad he picked up in Joplin and draws. He thinks Dean hasn't noticed.

"What are you drawing?" Dean asks his voice loud in the silence of midnight.

Cas jerks in surprise and closes the sketch pad. Dean smiles and lets Cas keep his secrets for now, he always tells Dean eventually.

"I thought you were asleep." Cas says. "Can… Can we go back through Joplin on our way to Bobby's?"

"That's a pretty big detour Cas." Dean shifts over the bed to wrap Cas in his arms.

"It's important." Cas replies leaning back into Dean, curling his larger hands around Dean's.

Cas is always so warm. An angelic leftover, Cas says. He burns like a furnace.

"Sure we can." Deans says. He kisses that place behind Cas' ear that always makes him whine and press closer to Dean. "Anything you want, Cas."

#

They arrive in Joplin in the early afternoon and quickly find a decent diner, but before Dean and Sam can finish Cas has swallowed down his chicken burger and fries and disappeared out the door with only a quick kiss to Dean's cheek as explanation.

Dean blinks and frowns and so does the waitress that has been undressing Dean with her eyes ever since they walked in.

Cas has been missing for three hours and Dean has been pacing for the last ten minutes.

"Dude, will you sit down?" Sam sighs in exasperation, looking up at Dean from his laptop.

"How can I? Anything could've happened to him!" Dean growls and throws himself onto Sam's bed.

They get separate rooms these days and Dean doesn't even care that the motel receptionists look at him and Cas with eyes that know what they're going to be up to in that room with one double bed.

"Cas can take care of himself, Dean. You know that." Sam says and goes back to the pages of a very obscure version of the Koran that Bobby has sent to him in the hopes of a translation. Sam seems to be struggling with it.

Dean grumbles, Cas is new at being human and there are so many evil sons-of-bitches out there and Dean would just feel a lot better knowing where Cas is and Sam doesn't understand. He switches on the TV, hoping to find something to take his mind off Cas.

He fails.

Finally, after another hour, the door to the room opens and Cas walks in with a big smile on his face.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dean is instantly on his feet and stalking over to Cas, all righteous anger and indignation.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to make you worry." Cas says tilting his face to kiss Dean quickly on the lips, melting Dean's anger instantly, body uncoiling. Dean hates that he can do that now. "I was at the tattoo parlour."

"You were where?" Sam asks.

"At the tattoo parlour. You remember the one we went to before and the artist, Maggie?" Cas smiles, his face and eyes lit up with delight.

Dean nods and isn't sure he likes where this is going. Cas removes his jacket, pushes up the sleeve of his t-shirt and carefully peels away the thin gauze that covers his upper right arm.

Dean actually gasps in surprise, not entirely sure what he was expecting, though it certainly wasn't this. The design is still in its outline stages, but Dean can see how intricate and complex it is, thin black lines curving around the circumference of Cas' arm. It covers all the skin of his upper arm.

"It isn't finished yet, I will need to return." Cas says. "Do you like it?"

Dean opens and closes his mouth several times. He never imagined Cas would be interested in getting more tattoos. Not that Dean really minds.

It looks odd, but not bad.

Cas looks very pleased with the art work and though Dean isn't sure why Cas has decided to become The Tattooed Man he smiles and says; "It looks awesome Cas."

Cas grins and kisses Dean again, clearly happy that Dean approves.

#

Over the next thirteen months, in between killing a Slender Man, exorcising 13 demons, salting and burning countless angry spirits, shutting down an entire coven of witches and finishing off a chupacabra, Castiel returns to the Joplin tattoo parlour on no less than ten occasions.

Dean had been a little unsure about the tattoos at first, but after watching them slowly paint their way across Cas' body, first the outline and then the colouring, he decides he kind of likes them. They become part of Cas and are bright and intricate and rather beautiful because they are part of him and Dean loves tracing them with his fingers and his tongue, feeling the difference in the tattooed skin of his arms and back to the untouched skin of his chest and hips.

On their second visit to the parlour Dean had asked why Cas was suddenly so interested in tattoos and Cas had replied: "Because I want to remember."

Dean had felt like his stomach was going to cave in, but Cas had assured him that he did not regret leaving Heaven, that he loved Dean more than anything and that the tattoos were a safeguard. To make sure he never forgets because skin doesn't just disappear; doesn't fade to nothing like memories do. Even when he is old and grey he can look at his skin and remember that he was an angel once, that he lived in the Kingdom of Heaven with countless brothers and that once... He had been happy there.

#

Dean is sitting on their sofa in front of the TV and Cas is at the tattoo parlour. Apart from that first time, Dean has gone with Cas to every tattoo appointment, only this time Cas'd asked him not to. He hasn't shown Dean his designs this time either, Cas has drawn out most of his own tattoos himself, from his own slowly disappearing memories, though Maggie always gives plenty of suggestions and insight as to the placement and size.

Dean is eager to know what Cas is getting tattooed today and where, but he can be patient just this once. He has a bottle of beer in hand and _Ghostbusters_ on TV and Cas has already been gone for two hours. He's not completely sure when, or if Cas is going to stop filling his skin with ink, maybe he'll only stop when he runs out of space, but Dean doesn't care.

It doesn't matter because he'd still be Cas and Dean kinda loves Cas.

Cas' entire right arm is dedicated to Heaven.

On his upper arm and around his bicep is a city, Dean thinks it sort of looks like the Emerald City from the _Wizard of Oz_ and some of the buildings _are_ green, while others are red rubies and blue sapphire and yellow topaz and the whole place has a diamond white glow on a light blue background. The city has a path running down from it, cobbled and curved, all the way down and around Cas' arm to his wrist. Scattered all along the path are more of these tall, jewel buildings and in between all of these buildings and down the path there are sets of wings. Russet coloured, silver-white, blue-black, and pale yellow-orange, delicate and strong and detailed. The two inches of tattoo at Cas' wrist, at the end of the path, are twisting vines, bushes with tiny purple flowers and delicate leaves that lay over the bones of his wrist. It is the garden as Cas has seen it and Dean wishes he could've seen it with him. This is Castiel's Heaven, his home, his brothers, his garden.

He carries them with him everywhere.

Cas' left arm is different, it is split into two halves.

The upper arm is dedicated to the pits of Hell.

Cas' hell is very different to Dean's Hell. Dean was constantly hemmed in, surrounded by demons, by other damned souls. His world in Hell consisted of the rack and little else. Cas' perspective is very different and this is represented in the designs of his tattoos.

Cas' Hell is a labyrinth of agony and destruction, black and red blood drips from chains and the walls are made of cracked, yellowing bone. Black eyes shine out of every corner, highlighted in white that stands out shockingly against the painful red. Burnt, shrivelled silver feathers litter the artwork, just one of Cas' many sacrifices for Dean.

Dean likes to lavish attention on Cas' Heavenly arm, he licks and kisses and worships Cas' Heaven because it's so much more beautiful on his skin than it has ever been in real life, but it hurts just to look at Cas' Hell. Whenever he looks at it he thinks of the impossible journey Cas had to make to save him and his time as Alistair's most promising apprentice and he has to turn away from it.

Cas understands, it hurts him too, but the pain of Hell is part of who he is and he needs to remember, to show, all of who he is.

Cas' left forearm is dedicated to Earth.

Much of it is the varied greens, browns and blues of nature, full shrubs and long drying grass, shining lakes and tress in full pink cherry blossom bloom, though there is a twisting black-top road that snakes down and around his forearm, almost in a parallel to the Heavenly path. All down the road there are small but perfect representations of the supernatural creatures they hunt; a snarling werewolf, a twisted half-human ghoul and a lonely woman in white. The red mess of an angelic explosion is spattered on the inside of Cas' forearm and Dean doesn't like to look at it, at the pain he put Cas through.

Throughout the Earth designs there is a recurring image of a green eye, shapely and watchful, hiding in between the monsters and the trees and the bushes and all along the road. Dean knows that this eye represents him and his constant presence in every moment of Cas' Earthly life. At the end of the road, also in a parallel to Cas' Heavenly arm, the two inches of tattoo at Cas' wrist is a perfect representation of the garden and the house that he and Cas and Sam moved into just three months ago near Joplin, with its dark green panels and white shutters and overgrown front yard. Beside the house is the Impala, its shining grill and headlights, sleek and solidly black. Dean thinks it might actually look better on Cas' skin than it does in real life and that says something.

There is nothing that Dean doesn't love about Cas, the tattoos are Cas' memories, his story, and part of who Cas is and Dean loves them. But the tattoos on Cas' back make him ache terribly.

On the skin of Cas' back tattoos of wings have been painstakingly and beautifully rendered.

Cas' real wings are gone forever, something Dean will always feel guilty over, and Cas never wants to forget that at one time, he had them. That he could travel thousands of miles in the blink of an eye with them, that he could use them to shelter from rain and to prove his divinity to Dean.

The wing designs start at lines of Cas' shoulder blades and cover almost all of his back. Small feathers at the arched top of the wings and long curved, flowing feathers at the bottom that flare out over his side to point at his hips. They are exquisitely detailed, edged and shaded in silver-grey and white and if Cas' real wings were even half as painfully beautiful then Dean would never have let him give them up, not for him.

Dean sighs, finishes off his beer. It's odd to think that he and Cas have been together for over a year. He's hardly been conscious of it, it doesn't seem that long, yet at the same time it feels like forever. He's barely even looked at any one else. Why would he want to? Cas is funny and smart and fucking gorgeous and he snores and he still complains if he has to pee more than four times a day and he hates buying new shoes because they always give him blisters and he always sees through Dean's lies and evasions and he knows Dean better than anyone and he thinks Dean is worth something and he loves Dean and he gave up his wings for Dean. No one else would ever do that.

No one else could ever mean so much.

Dean stands up as soon as the front door opens and Cas walks in. He has a big smile on his face and Dean immediately reflects it.

"Lemme see, lemme see!" Dean demands tossing his empty beer bottle on the couch.

"I'm not supposed to take the gauze off for another hour, but Maggie said I could let you have a peek." Cas says, still smiling and removing his jacket and shirt. Dean walks eagerly over to him. "This is the last of my tattooing for now." Cas looks down at his brightly coloured arms. "I have what I need to remember and when we've lived a bit more I'll add more to my story." Cas smiles and Dean nods in understanding.

Maybe Cas _will_ keep going until he has no more room.

Cas turns his back to Dean so Dean can see the gauze taped to the nape of Cas' neck and down, in the thin space between the wings on his shoulder blades.

"Can I?" Dean asks. His fingers find Cas' hips, brush up over the ink feathers, rub the edge of his shoulders where it makes Cas shiver, as if he still feels the wing-joint there.

Cas nods. "Of course, Dean."

Dean carefully peels back the gauze and sees writing. Beautiful scroll script writing. He realises quickly that it is a list of names and it starts with:

'_My Father  
>All My Brothers<br>Uriel  
>Anael<br>Balthazar  
>Nachmiel<br>Tzuriel  
>Qalbam<br>Gabriel  
>Ellen<br>Jo  
>Bobby<br>Sam'_

Dean smiles softly, feeling a tug at his stomach. It is a list of everyone Castiel loves, has loved, will always love.

There is a gap between Sam's name and the writing beneath it and after Dean reads the writing he replaces the gauze and wraps his arms around Cas, feeling warm and happy and unable to believe how lucky he is.

"Do you like it?" Cas asks, turning around. Dean presses his face into Cas' cheek and Cas slides those big hands that Dean loves so much into the waistband of his pants.

"I love it." Dean replies. He could never have imagined that he could be so content, or that his life would turn out like this. "I love you." It's not the first time that he's said it, but it still feels so new and wonderful every time.

He never could have imagined that he could be so happy after everything. After the death of his father, after selling his soul, after spending forty years in hell, after Lucifer and Michael, but he is.

Cas grins and tugs Dean into a soft, hot kiss and Dean's hands trail over Heaven and Hell and Earth, over the proof that Cas was not always human, over the people he loves and the ones he has lost, retracing Cas' story as he knows he will every day they are together.

Which Dean thinks, may well be forever.

'_And Dean – To Whom My Life Story Is Dedicated'_

END


End file.
